MAYBE I SHOULD LEAVE part 10, chapter 81

By this time Garth was the only one who came to my room for visits. There was a time he was just listening and I was ranting and raving about who knows what. We were standing in my room by the dresser and I felt like those people living across Fourth Avenue had life better than anyone living in this tinderbox. I was flipping a pair of scissors around in my hand when I slammed them point down into the dresser top. They ended up sticking between Garths thumb and first finger. I was shocked at what I had done. I could have stabbed him, my only friend. He simply looked up at me and said, “Do you feel better?” I think so. Embarrassment knocks a lot of anger out of a person.

By the Saturday before finals, I decided I should return home and get my sorry butt out of the way of this awful mess. I had decided I had caused all of these problems. I packed my room up and put everything in my car. If anyone saw me or noticed my packing, they stayed out of the way. I decided I would go to church Sunday, have lunch with the Roses like I was then doing on Sundays, then talk to Della, break off our engagement and go home. That was going to be the hardest part. I had no idea how I was going to tell the woman I loved that we would not be getting married and that I was returning to Omaha. That was tearing me up more than anything else that was happening. I did not want to do it, but believed that staying engaged to her was selfish. If she was being hurt because of my actions she needed to be free from the damage I was causing. I was in the process of destroying myself, but I had no desire to take her down with me. She has already been hurt too much and she deserved none of it. I was the problem in this relationship and she was suffering because she was engaged to me. I could put a stop to that. I reasoned that it would be easier for her to heal if I wasn’t there as a constant reminder of the pain she was currently experiencing.

I had no intention of doing anything but leaving. I would not announce to the school I was leaving. The way they had treated me they did not deserve to get a note or comment from me. I would just disappear. Besides, I doubted anyone cared. I would write Miss A from home to thank her for her prayers. My roommate would figure it out first and at least begin to ask questions around campus. He may have already known my things were gone and may have already asked questions. I didn’t know. I did know word would travel like lightening around that place and they would find out Monday morning I was gone. There would be rejoicing in the halls.

As I entered church Sunday morning I passed by Mr. Rose’ office. He called me in. I went in shut the door and after asking me to sit down said, “I know I’m not to tell you this, but I fear you may do something stupid (not his exact word, but my understanding). The CBC board of Directors met yesterday (Saturday, an unusual Board day) and fired the dean. He will not return the following year. They will make no formal announcement, nor will they acknowledge any problems, but it is over and he will be gone.”

I was stunned. I could not believe it. He was fired? Really? I wondered if this meant the students had won. Was I vindicated? I doubted that. It was a bittersweet victory that I could share with no one at school. However, I loved church that Sunday morning. It may have been the best church service I had been in all year. I smiled all morning long.

I went to the Roses for lunch that day and could not stop smiling. Della knew something was up the minute she saw me. I could not wait to tell her the war had been won. Of course, we were still bleeding from the battles. We had a wonderful lunch with the Roses. I had a great afternoon with Della without telling her my car was packed or what I had planned. She had a piece of news for me. It was then that I learned the Dean of Women had visited Della at the Rose’s and encouraged her to break up with me. I could not believe what I was hearing. How could they do such a thing? She was told that I was sure to ruin her life. The truth is the reverse. Had she left me, I would have been ruined.

Della suffered more than I knew. Besides the deans visit to her at the Roses’ there was a rumor that she was there because she was pregnant. She kept that from me as well. We were so busy trying to protect one another from the rumors and actual events that we each were suffering more than we needed too. We learned a great deal about carrying one another’s burdens. We also learned how cruel the world even the religious world. I didn’t like learning the church can be just a cruel as the world. I knew that from the church of my youth, but now I had a crash course in the adult church. I thought it would be different. It was worse. Fall in line or be crushed.

I returned to school later that afternoon, unpacked, studied for finals and took that last week of exams. I did look for the man on Monday morning. When I saw him I went up, shook his hand and whispered in his ear — “goodbye.” Yeah, it was nasty, but I had to. As the comedian Flip Wilson used to say, “The devil made me do it.”

The school year ended and we were free to leave the anguish and pain of that year behind. I know I did. I picked up Della and we went to Red Deer. There was nothing normal about our relationship at school, but summer was going to be different. We could get to know one another free from manipulation and obsessive controls. We both looked forward to it. The question was — could we heal?

1965 yearbook photo. See, I was was young once.